Advice from Team Tom, To Tom
WILDWOOD, N.J. – During his Senate bid, Tom Kean famously failed to show for a fundraiser Vice President Dick Cheney hosted for him, claiming he got stuck in “traffic.” Now this self-described “Tom Kean Republican” is all in for his party’s leader and planning to attend today’s Trump rally in Wildwood. Some have wondered if Kean will encounter similar last minute “traffic.” So we at Team Tom – the original – thought we’d send him some helpful suggestions.
First, Senator Kean, we’ve attached driving directions to make your trip as easy as possible. The drive from Westfield takes 2 hours and 13 minutes on a non-rally day. So be sure to leave yourself plenty of time!
Second, if you get some alone time with the president, remember that he is easily triggered. Here are some words and phrases you should avoid: “the Gateway Tunnel,” “the SALT deduction,” and “oil drilling off the Jersey coast.” These issues are important to New Jersey, but your future depends on keeping him happy!
Third, if you want the president to like you, he’ll want to see you applaud him. Remember to stand up and cheer when he calls the FBI “scum” and journalists the “enemy of the people,” or insults the physical appearance of his political opponents, or says that windmills cause cancer, or praises Kim Jong Un, or insists that his call with the Ukrainian president was “perfect.” Civility and honesty are important, but today is about undying loyalty to President Trump!
Finally, after the rally you will want to reach out to the Mayor’s office in Wildwood. They may need help recovering lost funds when the Trump campaign stiffs the city on their bills.
Leadership means making choices about what you stand for, and who you stand with. We congratulate you for making such a clear choice.